Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
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Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.