writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
You Might Also Like
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Straight people are cancelled
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond