@maisondecris

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

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@UnFitz

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

@sixfootcandy

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

@AmberTozer

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

@maxhaarhaus

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

@Spaced_Cowboy00

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

@topaz_kell

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

@XplodingUnicorn

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

@truegritrumble

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.