I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
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Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.