Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
so, is there a mister shapen head
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other