Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
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Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.