*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
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*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
True.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Sticker placement is key.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.