*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
DOOO EEEET
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.