*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
(more comics:
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?