@HollyMemphis

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

@SkinnerSteven

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

@BlindChow

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

@topaz_kell

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@Andysimpson74

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

@Angibangie

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

@AnkCoupleTO

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good