*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
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The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Terribly Tuesday.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”