[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there