Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
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Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I beg your pardon?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
dead inside
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.