Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Why is this me 😫
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch