Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree


Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.


Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks


I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this


What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?


*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth


The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.


[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*