*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]