Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

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I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.


We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.


Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds


[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*


Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.


Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money


Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…


Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?


Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason


“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means