Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
You Might Also Like
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.