@Smooheed

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

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@LuvPug

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

@MrSkinnyGenes

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

@newcastlecourt

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

@sewmuchgeek

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

@OneFunnyMummy

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

@TheAlexP

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

@

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

@pixelatedboat

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

@markedly

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

@J0hnnyBlaze

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means