*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi