Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit