Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*