(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
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“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Buck naked
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now