Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious