Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER