*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?