*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
You Might Also Like
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
How do you like your Corgi?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?