Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
step 6: release the wall snake
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.