Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
based al yankovic
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.