@champagngetaway FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
@Author_jo_jo Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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@champagngetaway 
@shadygrenade “Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
@murrman5 why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
@ManJuggs If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
@RiotGrlErin tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
@GuyThe_Guy “Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
@Browtweaten me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
@Lisa_Laughs_ I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
@Try2StopME *pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
@JaymayAllDay You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.