Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I love art.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.