
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.