@seamusmckracken I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
@Author_jo_jo Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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@seamusmckracken 
@IDontSpeakWhine My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
@Bahstonlady Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
@clindsaysway Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
@jollyrobber Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
@TlaxBoy05 A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
@LoveMyScionFRS Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
@ParaJanitor My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
@UduhEmeka This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
@bjaynash My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.