Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.


Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.


Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.


Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.


My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.


This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available


My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.