Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!


“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*


why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”


If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.


tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.


“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.


me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what


*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now


You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.