Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
this is the most humiliating day of my life
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My apartment is a mess, I should move
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.