Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
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I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.