Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
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My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
best review i’ve ever seen
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?