Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Boom, boom, ching!
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?