wtf is a larm clock?
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”