WTF IS AN ACRONYM
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My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
why would tinder want me to say this
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist