“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Teach your children to beatbox
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.