@Northerngent4

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

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@danguterman

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

@withanewname

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

@notalogin

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

@TonyRadioGuy

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

@angeliav68

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

@skittle624

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

@jon_snow_420

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

@mastrap84

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

@Darlainky

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

@coffeeandvinyl1

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy