“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.