“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

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Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.


The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.


Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.


In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.


Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.


I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.


luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird


My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat


Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!


It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy