Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*