WTF
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Why I divorced her.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.