“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
pat pat
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.