WWE is French for “yes”
You Might Also Like
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.