wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Ironic
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me