[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.