X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
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My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
The news
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”