X-tra spooky blend
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.