[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
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“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?