Xylophonist Shredding It
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
classic mixup
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.