Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
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I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20