Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.