Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
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Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
There are no pants in heaven.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight