Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Oh no
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I think my mom just blocked me
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Pigeon open mic night.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.