yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
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I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.