Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
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“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
$3 #books
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day